Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
