Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
