it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
