They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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