This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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