does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
