True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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