my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
