my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
