now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
