Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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