tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
