I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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