Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
