my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
