don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
