I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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