just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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