Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
