If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
