Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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