um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You have to summon your inner elephant
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
