He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am available for nakedness
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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