Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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