I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize