I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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