Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
