Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
