May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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