Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize