Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
