The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
