just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
