I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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