What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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