Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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