first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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