My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I need a hoe opinion
go on
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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