i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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