the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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