I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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