So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
