i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
