Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
