Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
