Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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