I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
