when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
