So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
