Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
