That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize