she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
