She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
