i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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