you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
