take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
