the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
