I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I pour the whiskey from now on
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
