she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
