I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
