My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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