I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Holy sore nipples Batman
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize