Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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