I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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