Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
