What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
