If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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