1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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