i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize