how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
