I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
