3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
